Sunday, November 26, 2006

Thanks everyone.

Ok know, I know we've been on a hugely successful tour now for nearly a year, but we're back and it's time to knuckle down and come up with some exciting new material.

Soooo, It's all down to the church hall on Tues for a brainstorming session.

I must take this time though to thank everybody involved for being there on what was a superb year and I especially would like to thank the following:

  1. Tony for fixing the tour bus exhaust in the Moray firth with an ipod headphone lead and a roll of electrical tape. Good show old bean!
  2. Caroline for the Scones and the Shepherds pie in the Farn Islands
  3. Brenda for fixing Max's knee after the horrific accident in Kent with the pencil sharpener and the steam roller. Best not to speak about that one again eh!
  4. Holly for the terrific trampoline lessons in Bristol.
  5. Karen K for just being on call when the hampsters died in Churtzey, Damn those electric carving knifes.
  6. Peter for the loan of the kneepads. Gotta hate those grass stains.
  7. Tania for an explosive apple pie in Holy Isle.
  8. Mr Mopler for the use of his tracktor in Sheffield.
  9. The Kent fire brigade...Sorry!
And last but not least, Roger for the rounders bat and skittle set.

I myself had a wonderfull time, but as I said before, it's time to knuckle down again and start thinking of the summer season.

Church hall, 19:oo Tues

See you there.

Big kiss

Betty.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

The night of the skydiving Hampsters

Note : Care must be taken in this performance so as not to offend the Skydiving Hampster community ... Remember Hackney Empire everyone !!

Duration : 35 mins ...

Props : 1000 ( stuffed ) Toy Hampsters complete with mini parachutes , one tent ...

Music : A score especially written featuring a dark and moody soundscape with the occasional squeeks of evil Hampster types .... By Kevin ....

Characters : The Hampsters , The Hampster collectors ( dressed in green felt and carrying hampster collection nets ) , Bob and Gene ( the campers )..

Basic scenario : Bob and gene try and erect their tent as the Hampsters fall from the sky on parachutes , meanwhile the Hampster collectors run around the stage trying to collect the Hampsters and ( upon successful collection ) , return stage left or right , pass hampster to stage hands who throw Hampsters up to the rafters where they are caught by the Hampster preperation teams and dropped once more ...

Dialogue : No dialogue as such , but the stagehand's ( deep male and opposing female voices ) will continally repeat the word's : " Truth ", " conspiracy " , " applesauce " and " My Big Lentil's " in a random order ..

The piece will eventually draw it's own conclusion's .

Overall message : " no matter how hard we try , the onslaught of greed and corruption will never end !! "

After the performance : The players stand and take a bow to rapturous applause ..

Monday, July 25, 2005

The systems analyst came for tea ..

The cast :

Molly , the harmonious congenial host

The systems analyst ( software revision A24 , rollout date 1983 )

The Scene :

Typical English post war chintz style house ..

Background music supplied by Glenn Miller plays ( a recording , not the real one , he's dead ) , summer birdsong can be heard in the distance ...

Scene One :

Molly and the Systems analyst sit around a coffee table while Molly pours a cup of tea ...


Molly : " Would you like sugar with your cup of tea ? "

Sys An :

Definition : Sugar a carbohydrate which is sweet to taste. They are used in food and drink, as a source of sweetness and energy and are important in biochemistry. In general use, "sugar" is taken to mean Sucrose, also called "table sugar" or saccharose, a disaccharide which is a white crystalline solid. It is the most commonly used sugar for altering the flavor and properties ('mouthfeel', preservation, texture) of beverages and food. Table sugar is commercially extracted from either sugar cane or sugar beet. The "simple" sugars or monosaccharides, such as glucose (which is produced from sucrose by enzymes or acid hydrolysis), are a store of energy which is used by biological cells.

Process : Sugar mixes on a non molecular level within the tea .

Result : A pleasing carbohydrate lift to the bevarage is noted

Conclusion : " Err yes two lumps please ... "

Molly : "There you go dear , it may be a bit hot though , watch you pinkies .. Brenda say's your getting married in June love ? "


Sys An :

Definition : mar┬Ěriage
n.
The legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife.
The state of being married; wedlock.
A common-law marriage.
A union between two persons having the customary but usually not the legal force of marriage: a same-sex marriage.
A wedding.

Process : Arrive at church on time , say some shit , sign a book , get laid ...

Result : The marrage after costing a small fortune will end ( after many years of compromise , toilet seat putting down , visiting inlaws , doing things you don't want to do , lack of sex and arguments ) , probably in a divorce ...

Conclusion : Yes , in June , at the old church , it'll be lovely dear

Molly : " That's nice , would you like a biscuit ? "


Sys An :

Definition : Biscuit .. a baked product which in North America would be called a "cookie" or "cracker". Many regional varieties, both sweet and savoury exist, often produced in industrial quantities by large food concerns. Sweet biscuits are commonly eaten as a snack and may contain chocolate, fruit, jam or nuts. Savoury biscuits, sometimes called crackers, are plainer and commonly eaten with cheese following a meal.
A basic biscuit recipe includes flour, shortening (often lard), baking powder or soda, and milk (buttermilk or sweet milk). Common variations involve cheese or sugar.

Process : remove biscuit from plate , put in mouth , crunch !

Result : A pleasing accompaniment that will complement the tea ( with two sugars ) very nicely ..

Conclusion : "Yes please , I'll have that shortbread on the side of the plate thanks " ..

Molly : "How's you new job dear , Brenda say's your a systems analyst at the big factory down the road ? "

Sys An :

Definition : Systems analysis is the science dealing with analysis of complex, large scale systems and the interactions within those systems. This field is closely related to operations research.
The systems discussed within systems analysis can be within any field such as industrial processes, management or decision making processes, environmental protection processes etc. Systems analysis researchers apply mathematical methodology to the analysis of the systems involved trying to form a detailed overall picture.
The typical use of systems analysis is to guide decisions on issues such as national or corporate plans and programs, resource use and protection policies, research and development in technology, regional and urban development, educational systems, and other social services. Clearly, the nature of these requires an interdisciplinary approach.

Process : Get up , go to work , spend money ...

Result : More money

Conclusion : " It's ok , but I really don't think I have the right aptitude for the job ... '

Molly : " That's a shame , you can always find a new job after Christmas dear . "

Sys An :

Definition : Christmas (literally, the Mass of Christ) is a holiday in the Christian calendar, usually observed on December 25, which celebrates the birth of Jesus. According to the Christian gospels, Jesus was born to Mary in Bethlehem, where she and her husband Joseph had travelled to register in the Roman census. Christ's birth, or nativity, was said by his followers to fulfill the prophecies of Judaism that a messiah would come, from the house of David, to redeem the world from sin. Early Christians celebrated more the subsequent Epiphany, when the baby Jesus was visited by the Magi. Efforts to assign a date for his birth began some centuries later. The precise chronology of Jesus' birth and death as well as the historicity of Jesus are still debated.

Process : Spend lots of money , buy a big tree , get pissed , watch the TV , have rows with the relatives ...

Result : No positive result can be computed as such ...

Conclusion : " Yeah , I think I may be changing jobs after the holidays ... "

Molly : " Yes , you look like you need a holiday ? "

Sys An :

Definition : The word holiday has related but different meanings in English-speaking countries. Based on the English words holy and day, holidays originally represented special days of the Christian Church calendar. The word has evolved in general usage to mean any special day.

In the United States, a holiday is a day set aside by a nation or culture (in some cases, multiple nations and cultures) typically for celebration but sometimes for some other kind of special culture-wide (or national) observation or activity. A holiday can also be a special day on which school and/or offices are closed, such as Labor Day.

In most of the rest of the English speaking world (including Australia, Canada, Ireland, New Zealand, South Africa, and the United Kingdom) a holiday is also a period spent away from home or business in travel or recreation (e.g. "I'm going on holiday to Majorca next week"), the American equivalent being "vacation".

Process : Pack suitcase , get on plane , get off plane , sit on deckchair , get sunburnt ..

Result : Feel like you need another holiday , to get over the first holiday ..

Conclusion : "No , I'll just wait till the honeymoon . "

Molly : " Oh that is lovely dear ... "


Molly then stand's up and abruptly keels over dead ..

The birds stop singing and the music ends with a huge record scratch .

The systems analyst looks most shocked

The curtain falls ...

The End ...

Players stand up and take a bow to rapturous applause ..

Saturday, July 23, 2005

The Fisherman's Paradox

The cast :

A fisherman dressed as a farmer ..
A Farmer dressed as a fisherman .
The fish dressed as a cod ..

The scene :

Rear visuals of river bathed in surreal colours with strange objects floating down it's length .. By Kevin ..

Scene 1 :

The audience are asked to leave the building and then to return .. ( This will cause great excitement , as they will now know that they are participating in a very new form of entertainment ) .

The audience returns ..

House lights dim ..

Stage becomes lit in pink and blue , dry ice is pumped in stage left ... ( or right depending on where the plugs are )

The fisherman and the farmer stand centre stage , arms outstretched tracing opposing circular movements...

The Fish ( dressed as a cod ) , lies flat on it's back mouth glooping as if gasping for air ..


Farmer : "Have you ....... caught anything today ? "

Fishman : " Yes I have caught a Paradox .. "

Farmer : " A parodox you say ? "

Fishman : " Yes I have in my possesstion a fish which has never been caught , and yet I caught it only now ? "

Farmer : " That is strange , sinister even .. "

Fishman : " Yes , And it was a cod .. "

Farmer : " An uncaught cod "

Fishman : " An unkempt uncaught cod "

Farmer : " An unkempt uncaught paradox finned cod "

Fishman : " An unkempt uncaught paradox finned cod called ...... Roger . "

Audience gasps ...

Farmer : " You had better return it to the sea .. "

Fishman : " Why ? "

Farmer : " You may just ruin the space time continuum "

Fishman : " but I haven't caught the fish yet "

Farmer : " What fish ? "

Fishman : " The fish I haven't caught .. "

Farmer : " You havent caught the fish you haven't caught ? "

Fishman : " Yes "

Farmer : " So have you actually ....... caught anything today ? "

Fishman : " Yes I have caught a Paradox .. "

Farmer : " A parodox you say "

Fishman : " Yes I have in my possesstion a fish which has never been caught , and yet I caught it only now ? "

Farmer : " That is srange , sinister even .. "

Fishman : " Yes , And it was a cod .. "

Farmer : " An uncaught cod ? "

Fishman : " An unkempt uncaught cod "

Farmer : " An unkempt uncaught paradox finned cod "

Fishman : " An unkempt uncaught paradox finned cod called ...... Timothy "

Second Audience gasp

Farmer : " You had better return it to the sea .. "

Fishman : " Why ? "

Farmer : " You may just ruin the space time continuum "

Fishman : " I haven't caught the fish yet "

Farmer : " What fish ? "

Fishman : " The fish I haven't caught .. "

Farmer : " You havent caught the fish you haven't caught ? "

Fishman : " Yes. "


The Audience are asked to leave the building and then to return .. for a second time ..


Sene two :

Repeat the scene as per scene one ...

But , now the players are suspended from the roof as the fish ( dressed as a cod ) swims underneath !!

Dialogue repeated twice as per scene one ..

The lighting fades to black out as the final words are spoken ..

The curtain falls ..

THE END ..

Players stand up and take a bow to rapturous applause ..

The juction of life ( The Traffic of indecision )

The cast :

Woman in Red

Woman in green

Woman in Amber

The car driver's one and two

The scene :

The urban junction of life

Sound fx : Various road and urban town sounds with an organic rumbling undertone ..


The curtain lifts ..

The car speeds along a town road , finally arriving at the junction of life ... ( visual road FX on rear screen )

Players : add lib signalling movements on stage .. This will make every performance unique .

Wir : " Stop "

Wig : " No go "

Wia : " I am torn between a rock and a hard place "

CD2 : " What is it to be , am I never to know the mystery of the road ahead ? "

Wir : " STOP "

Wig : " GO "

Wia : " There is no hope for me !! "

CD1 : " Away with you , you confuse I , with your banter and do nothing but test me on my simple journey .. "

CD 2 appears , stage right ..

Wir : " Stop "

Wig : " Go "

Wia : " Arrr , this is not as it should be .. "

CD 2 : " What is it to be O maidens of the tarmac , O Cross-roadial wenches of indecision ? , to stop or to go ?? "

Wir : " I say stop fool "

Wig : " I say Go forward and live the journey " /span>

Wia : " I am at a great loss as to know ? "

The two car drivers go forward

The house lights dim

An allmighty crashing sound can be heard ( two extra's stage left with dustbin lids )

Strobes flash on stage .. ( Note : " strobes used in performance " signs must be placed around the venue )

Scenes of blood and gore on the rear screen ... By Kevin ..

House lights return ..

We see the car drivers face down on the floor , obviously dead ...

Wir : " What have we done "

Wig : " All is lost , our existance has been compromised .. "

Wia : " This is non of my doing , I am the middle conscience , the conscience of the not blamed " ..

Wir : " I "

Wig :" I "

Wia : " I , you , what , you have failed , life has failed you , and now you must be ... " /span>

Wir : " how do we be ? "

Wig : " Yes , how do we be ? "

Wia :" You will be as we all are too be ? "

Question left open as to leave the audience pondering in time ..

THE END ..

Players stand up and take a bow to rapturous applause ..

TPAB intro ( spective )

TBAB , or the performing art blog , has been set up as a launch and scratch pad and for our new performance arts projects ..

We being the the : Art is a big fish . Performance art Players

And also in responce to the thousands of positive e-mails , reviews and kind letters sent following our two recent Royal Festival Hall perfomances of :

Fish could trampoline too ( if only they were dismembered from the aqua )

And

It was a ball , it wasn't a lampshade , it wasn't a jar of vinegar , it wasn't a motorcar , It was a ball . So there !

So within the walls of this blog you will be able to sample the new works as they are written ..

We hope you enjoy them , as much as we enjoy writing and performing them ...

Thanks once again for the correspondance ( sic ) ..

TPAB admin team ..